This is not a fashion post–I know I changed the focus of this blog, but I feel like this is an important thing to share.
Tomorrow my son turns 3. I don’t know how it happened, it’s like I blinked and BAM he has grown 3 years in an instant. Let me be honest here, birthdays freaaaaak me out. I am not a great gift giver (thank Amazon Prime for coming through when I forget to buy that present!!!), I’m horrible at planning things, and I know both of my kids will be old enough to want birthday parties soon. Birthday parties are my nemesis. I had one very bad birthday party when I was 16 that only 1 person showed up to, and I’m so terrified that my kids will have to experience that disappointment as well. RSVP’s are hard to deal with because so many people fail to use them. How can I, as a mother, be both a protector and still let them experience life’s downsides? The pain it already causes me just thinking about it is unreal.
I never really thought about how hard being a parent while suffering from anxiety would be. I never realized all the little things in life that would cause me such distress. One thing that really gets to me is that I KNOW I’m not alone in this struggle. So many other mothers endure this daily as I do. Why do we not talk about this more openly? Why do we hide in a closet and sob about it but act like everything is all good when it comes to our friends? Has the loss of community feeling left us feeling horribly and utterly alone? Do we think others will label us “bad mothers” because we struggle with these things?
I think it is so important to realize that we aren’t alone and instead of finding that scary, find it as solace and reach out to each other to SUPPORT one another in this struggle. We have those infamous mommy groups on facebook. However, even there we feel the need to guard ourselves against the judgment of those who just. don’t. get. it. The ones who say “well, you chose to have kids so you did this to yourself”. Queue eye roll here. Yes, I chose to have children, who I love dearly. That doesn’t make parenting any easier for me. I didn’t know a lot of the dark side of parenting. I knew my mom used to yell, but I never understood the psychological effects that having kids could have on you. So let’s start a conversation today. Let’s talk about the nitty-gritty of parenting. Let’s stop hiding in a closet sobbing (I mean, we’ve all done it and there’s no shame in having that good cry! It is therapeutic) and start talking with other mothers about the realness of parenthood. What is something you never would have realized about yourself or life if you hadn’t had children? My truth is that I am NOT stay-home mother material. I feel that I would have so much more patience and love to give to my children as a working mother, and that’s okay!